In my work I have met many parents and I know that without self care, a parent can easily become tired and irritable and depleted. When stressful situations and difficult behaviors of a child are added to the mix, then your child can start believing that they are to blame for all the suffering. Self-care for a parent is not a luxury it is a necessity. It is a positive, healthy survival skill to pass on to your child. Self care is about knowing yourself and knowing your limits for your own sake and that of your children.
So, the holidays are winding down and the children are back in school. Maybe it is time to clean out the old and prepare for new beginnings! But wait! Before I do any of this I need to give myself a pause and rest even if it is for five minutes. Even if it is just for the time it takes to read the words on this page! I need time and space for me to do absolutely nothing, but breath and feel myself fully! To be a human being with needs, as well as a parent!
When my daughter was young, we both enjoyed reading a book called “five minutes peace” which was about a mother elephant who needed just five minutes to herself to pause and recharge her battery. Of course it never happened as the baby elephant did not understand why her mother would need time alone! Sounds familiar? So making intentional time alone to be creative or just be each day is a number one goal for me in 2012. It does not have to be a lot of time, but it does need to be consistent. I am hoping that in achieving this spacious gift of self compassion each day I will also be giving to my daughter.
By watching and experiencing me give quiet time to myself, it will encourage my daughter to learn to be comfortable being by herself. She can begin to understand her own physiological and psychological need for quiet reflection, as well as outside stimulation. This is the work of a any parent, to help our children know how to be secure with their internal thoughts and feelings and creative energy and be able to respond positively to the barrage of external stimulation in the world.
My hope is that I can teach my daughter to move more fluidly between times of quiet and stillness and times of activity and movement, and most importantly, recognize the value of both. The hope is that the quiet moments alone come to feel as safe to her as those moments being rocked in my arms when she was a baby. The hope is that when she reaches that age when she can be left alone at home that she can feel confident and I can trust her to be alone. The hope is that she can delve into her own creative resources and not experience boredom with her own company! The hope is that my limit setting, although annoying at times, is internalized to make her feel safe. So, that she will know when it is safe to take risks and safe to walk away.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Navigating the Holidays in rhythm with your child
Once Halloween has arrived and gone with the witches; super heroes and the cast of Glee carrying their stash of candy in trick or treat bags from door to door, I know that the holidays are upon us until the middle of January! Most parents these days have a mixture of dread and dreams of enjoyment in entering the holiday season! Ironically, this time of year which can be so meaningful for most families, can be filled with missed and failed opportunities to connect with each other in a meaningful way due to the hyper energy which reverberates all around us and can pick us up like a swirling tornado. Add to this scenario a child who is highly sensitive to over stimulation and you end up with irritable family members at odds with each other.
A simple goal I have set for our family this holiday season is to allow time and space to connect with each other. Time for quiet reflection alone and together and times for unabashed enjoyment! This will take some planning together so that unrealistic expectations and unpleasant surprises can be minimized.
If you have a foster/adopt child that tends to get over-excited and over-stimulated when there is a lot of sensory input going on in the environment, then one of the greatest gifts you can give that child is to stay home or to limit the number and type of functions you go to during the holidays. Even going to Target to shop may be too much for your child. May be you can plan a celebration night with your child/children for just family, or you and your child. There are many things you can do together and be together which takes some planning and not a lot of money. You can create a dish or menu to shop, cook and eat together; play board games; cards; read together; draw together; play music together; make crafts or do a jig-saw. Each activity will have its own level of energy which you as the parent can orchestrate. The human condition loves harmony and rhythm and variety, but not too much variety as we also experience emotional safety through structure and consistent repetition! It is good to plan quiet, slower paced moments/hours/days in between the active, loud, bright lighted ones.
On the other hand you may have a lone wolf teenager in your household who prefers to not participate in anything, including the family holiday dinner! Your child’s choice, whatever the age may be coming from a need to create emotional safety. In a situation like this it is also useful to create a pro-active plan together. Trying to find a rhythm that suits both of you can be challenging the older the child as energetically there is a push and a pull going on between you. However, your teen still looks to you the parent to help provide emotional safety as well as honor a degree of independence. The parent can acknowledge the teenagers’ choice to be alone,(before it happens) while still requesting that she stay for the dinner part of the festivities. A parent may even add ( if it is applicable) an understanding, that you know that her choice to be alone is a preferred choice to avoid talking to a lot of family members asking questions about her life! You can create a non-verbal cue together or a particular word that will indicate that “I have had enough and I am taking a break”
In these ways, you can help your child and you move through the holidays at a more harmonious, respectful, regulated pace, sometimes like a slow waltz, at other times like a polka, together; rather than as a whirling dervish, alone!
A simple goal I have set for our family this holiday season is to allow time and space to connect with each other. Time for quiet reflection alone and together and times for unabashed enjoyment! This will take some planning together so that unrealistic expectations and unpleasant surprises can be minimized.
If you have a foster/adopt child that tends to get over-excited and over-stimulated when there is a lot of sensory input going on in the environment, then one of the greatest gifts you can give that child is to stay home or to limit the number and type of functions you go to during the holidays. Even going to Target to shop may be too much for your child. May be you can plan a celebration night with your child/children for just family, or you and your child. There are many things you can do together and be together which takes some planning and not a lot of money. You can create a dish or menu to shop, cook and eat together; play board games; cards; read together; draw together; play music together; make crafts or do a jig-saw. Each activity will have its own level of energy which you as the parent can orchestrate. The human condition loves harmony and rhythm and variety, but not too much variety as we also experience emotional safety through structure and consistent repetition! It is good to plan quiet, slower paced moments/hours/days in between the active, loud, bright lighted ones.
On the other hand you may have a lone wolf teenager in your household who prefers to not participate in anything, including the family holiday dinner! Your child’s choice, whatever the age may be coming from a need to create emotional safety. In a situation like this it is also useful to create a pro-active plan together. Trying to find a rhythm that suits both of you can be challenging the older the child as energetically there is a push and a pull going on between you. However, your teen still looks to you the parent to help provide emotional safety as well as honor a degree of independence. The parent can acknowledge the teenagers’ choice to be alone,(before it happens) while still requesting that she stay for the dinner part of the festivities. A parent may even add ( if it is applicable) an understanding, that you know that her choice to be alone is a preferred choice to avoid talking to a lot of family members asking questions about her life! You can create a non-verbal cue together or a particular word that will indicate that “I have had enough and I am taking a break”
In these ways, you can help your child and you move through the holidays at a more harmonious, respectful, regulated pace, sometimes like a slow waltz, at other times like a polka, together; rather than as a whirling dervish, alone!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Single parent adoption internationally
When you adopt internationally, you will find that the rules of adoption in certain countries can change during and after adopting your child. For an example, a year after I adopted my daughter, China closed down single parent adoption. After 50 years of adopting internationally, Korea is now only processing adoptions domestically.
As of March 2011, China is again accepting applications from single women. Single women are able to adopt children from a 'special focus program'. The children in this program are identified as special needs or are healthy children 8 years or older. The adoptions from this program are processed more quickly than the now 4 year wait period for finalizing adoption. The age limit of a parent is now restricted to the ages between 30 - 50 years old (for both parents). In the Bay Area, ' Heartsent' and 'BAAS' are agencies I would recommend if you are considering adopting from China.
The other countries that now welcome single parent adoption are the following:
Ethiopia - This country accepts older women applicants and the time frame is shorter than most for finalizing adoption. The children are escorted to the US, rather than adopting parents going to Ethiopia. There are only 7 agencies in the US who process Adoptions from Ethiopia.
Russia - Adopting parents make 2 trips to Russia. The time in between trips and the wait time for finalizing the adoption can vary.
Haiti - Although single parents to be, men and women are accepted, the regulations now say 'widowed or divorced'. The authorities are in the process of changing the wording to " single, widowed and divorced men and women.
You will find that there are some countries who are Hague convention compliant and others who are non-compliant. This can effect the ability to adopt from that country.
Guatemala used to be a country which welcomed single parent adoption. At present due to non-compliance, all adoptions have been halted. Adoptions from Kazakhstan have been put on hold. Many of the countries that allow international adoption are often third world countries which have high levels of poverty and/or have experienced war and natural disasters. When taking all of this into consideration it takes time to put into place a coherent and clear infastructure in that country for managing the adoption process.
Haiti and Kazakhstan are recent examples of how certain countries are still trying to get the infra-structure in place so that the many children who are in orphanages can find homes and parents to take care of them. As I have mentioned before, the best situation when adopting internationally is to choose an established adoption agency this end in America that has a liason agency in the country from which you wish to adopt. This way you can be assured that everything is legitimate.
The political climate of a country, internally and in relationship to America is also something to keep an eye on when you are adopting internationally. Sometimes an adoption can be put on hold due to political unrest in the country or because certain standards in the adoption process have not been met to the satisfaction of America and sometimes to the satisfaction of the other country.
Given all these variables, I have found that if you do your homework about the process of adoption for that particular country and find an agency you trust and get to know the liason agency that is being used, then you are well on the way to bringing your child home.
As of March 2011, China is again accepting applications from single women. Single women are able to adopt children from a 'special focus program'. The children in this program are identified as special needs or are healthy children 8 years or older. The adoptions from this program are processed more quickly than the now 4 year wait period for finalizing adoption. The age limit of a parent is now restricted to the ages between 30 - 50 years old (for both parents). In the Bay Area, ' Heartsent' and 'BAAS' are agencies I would recommend if you are considering adopting from China.
The other countries that now welcome single parent adoption are the following:
Ethiopia - This country accepts older women applicants and the time frame is shorter than most for finalizing adoption. The children are escorted to the US, rather than adopting parents going to Ethiopia. There are only 7 agencies in the US who process Adoptions from Ethiopia.
Russia - Adopting parents make 2 trips to Russia. The time in between trips and the wait time for finalizing the adoption can vary.
Haiti - Although single parents to be, men and women are accepted, the regulations now say 'widowed or divorced'. The authorities are in the process of changing the wording to " single, widowed and divorced men and women.
You will find that there are some countries who are Hague convention compliant and others who are non-compliant. This can effect the ability to adopt from that country.
Guatemala used to be a country which welcomed single parent adoption. At present due to non-compliance, all adoptions have been halted. Adoptions from Kazakhstan have been put on hold. Many of the countries that allow international adoption are often third world countries which have high levels of poverty and/or have experienced war and natural disasters. When taking all of this into consideration it takes time to put into place a coherent and clear infastructure in that country for managing the adoption process.
Haiti and Kazakhstan are recent examples of how certain countries are still trying to get the infra-structure in place so that the many children who are in orphanages can find homes and parents to take care of them. As I have mentioned before, the best situation when adopting internationally is to choose an established adoption agency this end in America that has a liason agency in the country from which you wish to adopt. This way you can be assured that everything is legitimate.
The political climate of a country, internally and in relationship to America is also something to keep an eye on when you are adopting internationally. Sometimes an adoption can be put on hold due to political unrest in the country or because certain standards in the adoption process have not been met to the satisfaction of America and sometimes to the satisfaction of the other country.
Given all these variables, I have found that if you do your homework about the process of adoption for that particular country and find an agency you trust and get to know the liason agency that is being used, then you are well on the way to bringing your child home.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Considering single parent adoption?
If you are considering single parent adoption, then, I found that one of the first things to do after making the decision, is to find a group of people who have already adopted a child or are in the process of adopting a child; preferably single parents to be. When I first decided to adopt my daughter from China I joined a single parent group, specifically for women in the Bay Area who had adopted or were in the process of adopting their daughters from China. I found this group through the organization called "Families of Children from China." "Resolve" is another good resource for possibly finding an adoption group to join.
Intitially, it was through the FCC group that I found different referrals for adoption agencies and eventually chose the adoption agency that I wanted to use to help me through the process of adopting my daughter. The group provided encouragement for me when I was in that arduous waiting period for the adoption to be finalized and gave me hope when we celebrated together the arrival of each child when they came home to the U.S.
Later on, we provided childcare support for eachother, and we became very familiar with eachother's adoption story. Now the children are nearly teenagers, some go to the same school or are doing the same after school sport. Some of the parents are married, some are still single. We are even 'older' than the 'older parents to be' that we were! And I am thankful we have eachother.
I believe that it is in part, because of this connection to these other families, that my daughter does not feel in any way weird or extraordinary being a daughter adopted from China and living with a single parent in California!
Come join us! An Adoption support group for parents of children of all ages. Beginning Thursday January 12th, 6-7.30pm for 10 weeks. Mill Valley, CA.
Call 415 381 5889 for more information.
Intitially, it was through the FCC group that I found different referrals for adoption agencies and eventually chose the adoption agency that I wanted to use to help me through the process of adopting my daughter. The group provided encouragement for me when I was in that arduous waiting period for the adoption to be finalized and gave me hope when we celebrated together the arrival of each child when they came home to the U.S.
Later on, we provided childcare support for eachother, and we became very familiar with eachother's adoption story. Now the children are nearly teenagers, some go to the same school or are doing the same after school sport. Some of the parents are married, some are still single. We are even 'older' than the 'older parents to be' that we were! And I am thankful we have eachother.
I believe that it is in part, because of this connection to these other families, that my daughter does not feel in any way weird or extraordinary being a daughter adopted from China and living with a single parent in California!
Come join us! An Adoption support group for parents of children of all ages. Beginning Thursday January 12th, 6-7.30pm for 10 weeks. Mill Valley, CA.
Call 415 381 5889 for more information.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Important questions to consider in single parent adoption
As a single parent to be, adopting a child, have you considered how family opinion and support or withdrawal of support may matter to the process of adoption?
Who in your family of origin will be supportive of you adopting a child?
Who in your family will have a negative reaction?
How will you begin integrating your adopted child into your family?
Will she be accepted into your family of origin? If not what are you going to say or do to help your child understand that it is not her or you that is at fault? How do you manage the rejection?
These were all questions I pondered before picking up the phone and making the call to my mother to tell her about my decision. It is not that I wanted her approval, but I did so want her blessing. Only then would I know that my daughter would be accepted into the Jones family and I could breath more easily in the process of adopting. For single parents' to be, we are forced to review more fully our relationships in our family of origin and how those connections may impact the adoption process and our children in the future.
11 years ago I was in the position of being single and I knew that I wanted to adopt my daughter from China. I was at the beginning of this process and one of the difficult calls I made was to my mother to tell her about my decision. I was not sure how she would respond, even though her response would not effect my decision to adopt, it would certainly impact my daughter as she became part of our family together and part of the Jones family.
When my mother responded with "I have always wanted a grand-daughter" I was relieved.
I feel fortunate that even though my mother could not make the trip to China to bring my daughter home she did make the trip to America to meet my daughter 2 months after our return home. I am also grateful that they have grown to love eachother. And even though my mother has some fixed sterotypical ideas about how Chinese people should be, it does not get in the way of the love for her grand-daughter!
Thankfully, my daughter has the support of our adoptive family together; our extended family of friends and community here in the US and then she has 'my' family which she considers 'her' family - a loving grandmother, uncle, aunt and cousins, whom we see as often as we can.
Who in your family of origin will be supportive of you adopting a child?
Who in your family will have a negative reaction?
How will you begin integrating your adopted child into your family?
Will she be accepted into your family of origin? If not what are you going to say or do to help your child understand that it is not her or you that is at fault? How do you manage the rejection?
These were all questions I pondered before picking up the phone and making the call to my mother to tell her about my decision. It is not that I wanted her approval, but I did so want her blessing. Only then would I know that my daughter would be accepted into the Jones family and I could breath more easily in the process of adopting. For single parents' to be, we are forced to review more fully our relationships in our family of origin and how those connections may impact the adoption process and our children in the future.
11 years ago I was in the position of being single and I knew that I wanted to adopt my daughter from China. I was at the beginning of this process and one of the difficult calls I made was to my mother to tell her about my decision. I was not sure how she would respond, even though her response would not effect my decision to adopt, it would certainly impact my daughter as she became part of our family together and part of the Jones family.
When my mother responded with "I have always wanted a grand-daughter" I was relieved.
I feel fortunate that even though my mother could not make the trip to China to bring my daughter home she did make the trip to America to meet my daughter 2 months after our return home. I am also grateful that they have grown to love eachother. And even though my mother has some fixed sterotypical ideas about how Chinese people should be, it does not get in the way of the love for her grand-daughter!
Thankfully, my daughter has the support of our adoptive family together; our extended family of friends and community here in the US and then she has 'my' family which she considers 'her' family - a loving grandmother, uncle, aunt and cousins, whom we see as often as we can.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
You are therefore I am
The power of being witnessed is a profound gift in a relationship. Recognition, Acknowledgement and Encouragement is like gold,( or a good fertilizer for growth!), compared to a lecture; advice or sympathy 'for what you must have gone through'. As an adult just take a moment and think about those most transformative times in your life where you have shared yourself - your depths -with another person or people who know you well, without judgement, just presence. It is often a still, silent experience for the listener, or a few reassuring sounds of acknowledgement, while you share your soul. What does that feel like to you? What does it feel like to be considered precious and contributing something important to the relationship and the world?
So, lets talk about a relationship between a parent and a child and in particular a foster/adopt child. A parent/child relationship that provides security and safety no matter what occurs with the energetic push/pull of attachment. There is an immense transformative power in having a parent know you deep down and recognize your potential as a human being in the world even when you doubt yourself - even when you sometimes doubt your existence.
There is a beauty in showing up for a child and expressing care for that child even when the child may try to saboutage the intimacy and closeness of the relationship because she is petrified of what dependency on and closeness with an adult might mean.
Witnessing with understanding and without judgment is the beginning of
changing a world view that may have been shaped by hurt and pain. Witnessing a child is the beginning of helping that child be known from the inside out. And being truly known in another person's eyes is a powerful gift.
So, lets talk about a relationship between a parent and a child and in particular a foster/adopt child. A parent/child relationship that provides security and safety no matter what occurs with the energetic push/pull of attachment. There is an immense transformative power in having a parent know you deep down and recognize your potential as a human being in the world even when you doubt yourself - even when you sometimes doubt your existence.
There is a beauty in showing up for a child and expressing care for that child even when the child may try to saboutage the intimacy and closeness of the relationship because she is petrified of what dependency on and closeness with an adult might mean.
Witnessing with understanding and without judgment is the beginning of
changing a world view that may have been shaped by hurt and pain. Witnessing a child is the beginning of helping that child be known from the inside out. And being truly known in another person's eyes is a powerful gift.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Adoption: getting started
Are you considering adoption as a way to create a family? How did you come to chose adoption as an option to creating a family?
I have known many couples and individuals who have chosen adoption as a way to create a family. How to get started on this journey? The first step is to make the decision to adopt. This is not always the easiest thing to do if you are still hoping to have your own biological child, or you have a limited amount of money to pursue the goal of having children. So this is a good place to start and get clear within yourself first and then within the couple (if you have a partner with whom you are wanting to create family). I always say to couples that you are single, until you have children!
The practical piece of becoming a parent and actually being a parent, providing for the emotional and physical needs of a child, becomes a very conscious intentional process when you choose to adopt. By clarifying your own needs and motivations to become a parent right at the beginning of the adoption process, by yourself, with your partner, or with the help of a professional therapist, can help clear the way for you to have a positive experience in adopting your child.
So, here are a few things to consider right at the start, to clear the way for a successful process to adopt:
I have known many couples and individuals who have chosen adoption as a way to create a family. How to get started on this journey? The first step is to make the decision to adopt. This is not always the easiest thing to do if you are still hoping to have your own biological child, or you have a limited amount of money to pursue the goal of having children. So this is a good place to start and get clear within yourself first and then within the couple (if you have a partner with whom you are wanting to create family). I always say to couples that you are single, until you have children!
The practical piece of becoming a parent and actually being a parent, providing for the emotional and physical needs of a child, becomes a very conscious intentional process when you choose to adopt. By clarifying your own needs and motivations to become a parent right at the beginning of the adoption process, by yourself, with your partner, or with the help of a professional therapist, can help clear the way for you to have a positive experience in adopting your child.
So, here are a few things to consider right at the start, to clear the way for a successful process to adopt:
- Be intentional in what you would like to happen. Plan and put action to your dreams.
- Be practical about becoming a parent. Know in your heart and mind and bank account that this is what you want to do!
- Delegate financial resources to the process of creating a family.
- Put a time limit on IVF and infertility treatments. Try to follow one path at a time.
- Don't wait to get the facts. Understand the rules and become informed. ie. If you are older parents to be, then gain understanding on age restrictions that may impact your choices ie. Research and plan for any age limit considerations in adoption process (International adoption / single parent adoption/domestic) Also, Some adoptions can take anywhere between 1-3 years, so allow for this time period in becoming parents.
- Clear the way and clarify your own needs and motivations to be a parent.
- Honestly evaluate your own emotional/ physical abilities; energy level; do you have the capacity to be 'selfless' at times? Do you know your limits?
- If you are in a partnership have a conversation about parenting. What would it be like? Will parenting tasks be shared? Are you both on the same page with adopting? What do you see as changing in your partnership? What do you want to preserve about the partnership? ie. date nights/adult time.
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